an act of kindness

i hunger for the moment of entry 
for expansion
yielding all pretense all carefully constructed indifference 
to a muted question of permission                                                                                 
may? i? desire? 
it is your detachment i eat up like candy 
sucking on your sour drops 
until the insides of my cheeks are dry and hurting
i admire the way he keeps his clothes on when we fuck
and how his uninvolved face 
studies my docile limbs while i shiver
in something like ecstasy 
you remain distant i reveal all he reveals nothing 
his voice drifts 
through my mind clouding my judgment
or is it my judgment that is 
clouding your voice?
i know very well by now that all shame is irrelevant and this is 
why i must stop lying and why i must ask again:
may? i? die?
pressed against his chest i listen to your heartbeat
a closeness surreal and unavoidable a curtain 
parted by bones and
i’ll never confess to anyone how much it means to me 
to be questioned by you 
to be allowed to
go
and i’ll never admit 
to his uncompromising will as a silence 
and emptiness i am slowly 
growing addicted to 
or to how much i want to drown in his touch how much 
i need to dissolve 
in a liquid of nothingness in the violence 
of love 
unrequited